We all develop at our own pace. This list echoes the concerns of so many young adults, however, who feel like they are failing relative to society's expectations or what they see their peers accomplishing. Set aside for a moment the truth that we should not compare our insides to other people's outsides because we have no way of knowing what they are really going through.
Things that don't make you a failure (Reddit user u/qevo):
- Ending a relationship
- Admitting you need help
- Not owning your own house
- Having a different timeline than others
- Not being married by 30 or 40 or 50
- Taking longer to reach your goals
- Taking a break from a stressful life
- Feeling like you're behind
- Not having your dream job
- Not wanting the same things as everyone else
Many of the achievements referenced in this list assume that we all develop at the same pace - owning your own house, being married by a certain age, etc. While other items that can be construed as indicators of failure - taking longer to reach your goals, having a different timeline, feeling like you're behind - are based on preconceived notions of what development is supposed to look like. But existing models of development may be based on outdated notions, or may be ignorant of the role of trauma.
I remember taking a human development course in graduate school and learning what the developmental tasks were for each decade of adulthood, according to Erik Erikson's stages of psychosocial development.
I was 37 at the time, and I realized that up to that point, I had consistently been a decade behind where Erikson said I should be. Now, keep in mind that his stages were developed in the 1930s, and our lives were moving at a different pace 70 years later. But also, I think childhood trauma can create delays according to this model, because Erikson's theory leaves no room for recovery from childhood trauma.
Exposure to more ACEs leads to higher risk of behavioral and health problems later in life, like:
- smoking
- alcoholism
- lack of physical activity
- depression
- diabetes
- cancer
For example, I scored a 7 out of 10 on the ACEs quiz. I went on to develop an eating disorder, alcoholism, and a penchant for dysfunctional and abusive relationships, by late adolescence, during the time when I was supposed to have been navigating the "identity vs role confusion" stage.
Which meant I spent my 20s figuring out "identity vs role confusion" when your typical 20 year old was supposedly figuring out "intimacy vs isolation." I didn't get to intimacy vs isolation until my 30s. Luckily, I didn't meet my wife until my mid-30s. By then, my psychosocial development was picking up the pace, so by my 40s I was on track.
Realizing this explained SO much of my struggles during my 20s and 30s, you have no idea.
All of which meant that at any time in my 20s or 30s, I could check off almost every item in our original list of things that can make a person feel like a failure. Which could not be further from what I really was back then or what I really am today.
The moral of our story, then, is that we should not judge ourselves too harshly, or anyone else for that matter, because our biography exerts as much or more influence on our development as society's expectations. And the clue to determining our success lies in that biography.
