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Monday, October 12, 2015

Things I think about when I miss my parents...

I turn 50 this week.  That's really hard to believe. Even at this age, I am still affected by the problems that would haunt this woman and her little girl...



Yesterday morning I had a dream - without providing all the details, the gist of the dream was that I was being emotionally abused and my parents were not doing anything to help me; in fact, they were complicit with the emotional abuse.  They must have been about the age I am now, and I was college-aged - so our ages were all out of sync with reality. But the feelings were very reminiscent of so many times during my childhood, adolescence, young adulthood.  Frustration, betrayal, disappointment...

Ultimately, I was forced to leave home and trying to find some safe place to live, but could not figure out how to do that. Then I woke up. I was so upset. The dream brought up my old, recurring feelings about how my parents failed me - how they failed to teach me that I was a lovable person, how they failed to protect me, how they failed to prepare me for adulthood, how they failed to be the kind of parents that you would be able to disclose painful experiences to. 

When I visited their grave yesterday to bring them some flowers, I told them that I no longer struggle with any doubts about whether or not I ever failed them; I know I didn't fail them. But I do still struggle with my feelings over they ways that they failed me.
 
I wish I could have talked to them about this when they were alive...